The pastor shocked
the congregation when he announced that he was resigning
from the church and moving to a drier climate. After the
service, a very distraught lady came to the pastor with
tears in her eyes, "Oh, Pastor Bob, we are going to miss
you so much. We don't want you to leave!" The kind
hearted pastor patted her hand and said "Now, now,
Carolyn, don't carry on. The pastor who takes my place
might be even better than me".
"Yeah", she said, with a tone of disappointment in her
voice, "That's what they said the last time too . . . "
A little boy opened the big family
bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old
pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He
picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was
an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
"Mama, look what I found", the boy called out. "What
have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the
young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's
Several years ago, the Catholic
Church required women to wear a head covering in order
to enter the sanctuary. One Sunday a lady arrived
without her head covering. The priest informs her that
she cannot enter without it. A few moments later, the
lady re-appears wearing her blouse tied to her head. The
shocked priest says, "Madam, I cannot allow you to enter
this holy place without your wearing a blouse." "But
Father, I have a divine right,"
she informs. "Yes, I see. And your left one isn't bad
either, but you still must wear a blouse to enter *this*
church!" he insists.
One Sunday morning, the priest
noticed Little Johnny was staring up at the large plaque
that hung in the foyer of the church. It was covered
with names, and small American flags were mounted on
either side of it. The seven-year old had been staring
at the plaque for some time, so the priest walked up,
stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning,
"Good morning, Father," replied
the young man, still focused on the plaque. "Father
Scott, what is this?" Little Johnny asked. "Well, son,
it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died
in the service." Soberly, they stood together, staring
at the large plaque. Little Johnny's voice was barely
audible when he asked, "Which service, the 9:45 or the
The Pope is visiting town and all
the residents are dressed up in their best Sunday
clothes. Everyone lines up on main street hoping for a
personal blessing from the Pope. One local man has put
on his best suit and he's sure the Pope will stop and
talk to him. He is standing next to an exceptionally
down-trodden looking bum who doesn't smell very good.
As the Pope comes walking by he leans over and says
something to the bum and then walks right by the local
man. He can't believe it, then it hits him. The Pope
won't talk to him, he's concerned for the unfortunate
people: the poor and and feeble ones.
Thinking fast, he gives the bum $20 to trade clothes
with him. He puts on the bum's clothing and runs down
the street to line up for another chance for the Pope to
stop and talk to him. Sure enough, the Pope walks right
up to him this time, leans over close and says "I
thought I told you to get the hell out of here!"
A minister was preoccupied with
thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to
come up with more money than they were expecting for
repairs to the church building. Therefore, he talked
with the organist to see what kind of inspirational
music she could play after the announcement about the
finances to get the congregation in a giving mood.
"Don't worry," she said. "I'll think of something."
During the service, the minister paused and said,
"Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the
roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we
need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or
more, please stand up." Just at that moment, the
organist started playing, "The Star Spangled Banner."
Noah went to see God to ask him
for a new and improved 'ark'. "Ok Noah. I think it is
time you had a new ark", God said. "Take a seat, tell me
your ideas, and I'll start a design". "Well, firstly,
I'd like it to have plenty of floors. Say, 5 or 6", Noah
said. "Ok... 5 or 6 floors" "I'd also like some spaces
on the floors as well, to keep things in."
"Right, spaces." And with this God starts drawing a few
designs for Noah. "Would you like some animals in there
to start you off?" God asked him. "Erm... Fish!" Noah
replied. "Fish. Ok. What sort? Any in particular?"
"Carp, and plenty of them", Noah
said. "Carp. Anything else needed?" God asked. And they
went through various items such as the colour, doors,
windows, etc. Finally, between them both they'd come up
with a design that they both agreed on. Sitting back in
his chair admiring the new 'ark', God asked Noah, "So,
what are you going to call it? Have you thought of
anything?" "Well God. I thought I'd call it 'Noah's
Multi-Story Carp Ark'
One day in Sunday school, the
teacher was talking about Jesus is to the kids, "Bobby,
where is Jesus?" asked the teacher. "Jesus is in
heaven." replied Bobby. "Very good!", said the teacher.
The teacher then asked a little girl," Where is Jesus,
Emily?". Emily said innocently, "Jesus is in my heart!".
The teacher beamed at little Emily and said, "How very
sweet!!!". The teacher now asked Timmy, "Timmy, where is
Jesus?". "Jesus is in my bathroom." he said assuredly.
"Please elaborate, Timmy.", the teacher said. Timmy then
replied, "Well, every morning my dad gets up, bangs on
the bathroom door and yells. Jesus Christ, are you still
Mother superior calls all the nuns
together and says to them, "I must tell you all
something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."
"Thank God," says an elderly nun at the back of the
room, "I'm so tired of Chardonnay..."
Jesus and Moses get together for a
little reunion. Moses says" I haven't parted a sea in a
long time". So he raises his hands, and a sea parts. He
looks a Jesus and says " Damn that was fun". So Jesus
looks at Moses and says " I haven't walk across water in
a long time". Jesus starts to walk on water. He gets out
about 10 feet and sinks, so he swims back in. " What the
hell went went wrong? I'm gonna try again." This time he
gets out about 20 feet, and he sinks, so he swims back
in. " I still don't know what happened, I'm gonna try
one more time." He gets out about 30 feet and sinks, so
he swims back in. He looks right at Moses and says " I
know why I can't do it. The last time I tried it I
didn't have holes in my feet."
A Catholic, a Baptist, and a
Mormon are bragging about the size of their families.
"I have four boys and my wife is expecting another. One
more son and I'll have a basketball team!" said the
"That's nothing!'' said the Baptist. ''I have ten boys
now, and my wife is pregnant with another child. One
more son and I'll have a football team!"
"You both should be ashamed of yourselves!'' said the
Mormon. ''I have seventeen wives. One more and I'll have
a golf course!"
A priest and a rabbi are walking
down the street together, and they both want a drink,
but they have no money on them. The priest says, "I've
got an idea how to get us some free drinks." He walks in
alone and the rabbi stands at the door and watches. The
priest orders a drink, drinks it, and then the bartender
gives him his tab. The priest says, "But my son, I've
already paid for the drink." The bartender says, "I'm
terribly sorry, father, but it's really busy in here and
I must have forgotten." The rabbi walks in and orders a
drink. After he drinks it, the bartender gives him the
tab, and the rabbi says, "Son, I paid you when I ordered
the drink." The bartender says, "I'm terribly sorry,
rabbi, I don't know what's wrong with me, but that's the
second time that happened to me today." The rabbi says,
"That's okay, son, no offence taken. Now, just give me
change for the twenty I gave you, and I'll be on my